Iron Chef O'Neill
by LisaJ
Summary: Jack watches The Food Network.


Jack sat on his couch flipping through the channels, desperately trying to find something to watch. "One hundred twenty five channels and you'd think there would be something good on," he groused to Daniel.

Daniel looked up from his book. "I know there's been a void in your life since they canceled Poochinski, but you could try The Discovery Channel. They usually have something good on."

Jack made a face. Daniel's idea of 'good' didn't exactly coincide with his definition. "Nah, American Chopper isn't on tonight, and that's the only thing worth watching on that channel."

Daniel sighed. "I don't suppose I could interest you in the Ramses special on the History Channel."

"History's only good if it involves explosions," Jack said. "Cartoon network?"

Daniel shook his head. "No, I want some adult fare."

"Golf?" Jack said hopefully.

"More boring than watching paint dry," Daniel said. "How about Arts and Entertainment?"

"Are you kidding? Since when have I been into all that artsy crap?" Jack said incredulously. "You still having problems with your memory, Big Guy?"

Daniel let that one pass. "Home and Gardens? You might get some ideas about your landscaping." Jack said nothing. 

Several minutes of surfing later, Jack said, "How about Discovery Health? They usually have a show about mutants, Siamese twins or hermaphrodites on this time of night."

Daniel muttered something about carnival midways. "I don't care, Jack, as long as it's not a tractor pull or pro wrestling," Daniel said.

Jack continued to flip through the channels, passing by entertainment gems such as the 4,000th rerun of "Porky's", a "Law and Order" marathon on TNT and a Lifetime Special Movie about an abused housewife searching for her husband who had kidnapped their terminally ill child while being stalked by a serial killer and battling her mother-in-law for custody, (starring Nancy McKeon, Jacquelyn Smith and Harry Hamlin with Gary Cole as the killer).

Driven to distraction, Daniel grabbed the remote out of Jack's hand, put on The Food Network and said, "We're watching his." Jack groaned, but settled down to watch "Iron Chef". At least there's some entertainment value watching them choke down raw squid guts," he thought. As usual, Chairman Kaga was resplendent in a multi-colored jacket. 

"I wonder what they're gonna get to cook?" Jack said. At that moment Chairman Kaga swept the cover off the dish and said "Raw Goa'uld Symbiote!". The crowd went wild. Jack made a strangled sound. To his surprise, Daniel merely nodded.

As the announcer began his spiel, the TV screen showed a montage of goa'uld worlds. Frozen with shock, Jack heard the announcer say: "Our Iron Chefs have been presented with quite a challenge today: live goa'uld larva, fresh from the planet Chulak. These parasitic aliens are spawned by a goa'uld queen, and spend their first few months of life in a special tank, cared for by Jaffa Priests and Priestesses. The TV was filled with shots of Jaffa tending to the tanks of symbiotes.

"Uh, uh, Daniel," Jack choked out.

"Yes, Jack," Daniel said, looking up from his book.

"Look at what they're serving," Jack said.

Daniel looked at the screen. "Yeah, so what?"

"So what? They're eating goa'ulds!" Jack yelled.

Daniel sighed again. "Calm down Jack. Enjoy the show."

Astounded at Daniel's composure, Jack sat down, watching in horrified fascination as Iron Chef Kenichi sliced and diced the symbiote, slashing with amazing dexterity.

The camera moved to the challenger's station; he had opted to sauté chunks of goa'uld larva while several symbiote heads cooked in the deep fryer.

"That reminds me of the first time I met Chaka," Daniel said nostalgically. 

Kenichi put several chunks into the blender as the announcer said, "I believe Iron Chef Kenichi is going to use the symbiote's blood to make one of his trademark sherbets for the dessert part of the menu." Jack gagged at the thought.

Finally, the cooking portion of the show was done. The challenger brought his symbiote dishes to the judging panel, which consisted of the usual pompous professor, famous food critic and giggling actress. Joining them were several minor system lords dressed in goa'uld finery. Although, compared to some of Chairman Kaga's outfits, they looked almost sedate.

The challenger presented his concoctions proudly. The judges sampled each one, commenting upon the delicacy of the flavoring. "This reminds me of the meals my mother used to prepare," one system lord said enthusiastically. The others nodded. 

Then, it was Chef Kenichi's turn. "I commend you on your use of the symbiote's natural flavor," the professor said. "I am impressed by the versatility of your dishes," the food critic said. The actress merely giggled.

Chairman Kaga announced the winner: Iron Chef Kenichi. The crowd went wild. Jack fainted. 

Sometime later, Jack opened his eyes. Daniel was staring down at him.

"Is anything wrong?" Daniel asked.

"You were there," Jack said, looking up at his Daniel. "We were watching TV, the Iron Chef was cooking a symbiote."

"You dozed off on the couch right after dinner, Jack," Daniel said. "Judging by the way you were snoring, you were out cold."

"Wait a minute, I don't snore," Jack said indignantly.

"Yes you do. Ask Teal'c if you don't believe me," Daniel said. "Anyway, you were thrashing about as if you were having a nightmare, so I woke you up."

Weak with relief, Jack realized it had all been a dream. "Thank god," he said hoarsely. "For a minute there, I thought I was going crazy."

"That's it, no more Japanese food for you," Daniel said sternly. "Honestly, Jack, symbiote flavored sherbet?"

"Hey, I've got a good imagination," Jack said. 

Later that night, after his Daniel had left, Jack relaxed into his favorite chair. That was one crazy dream, he thought. Serves me right for eating sushi right before dozing off. 

Something nagged at his mind, something Daniel had said. What was it, he thought, frowning in concentration. Something about the dessert, yeah, that was it. 

Jack froze. How did Daniel know about the symbiote flavored sherbet? He hadn't mentioned that detail. It had been all a dream, hadn't it?

The End. 


End file.
